Updated August 17, 2021 (religious abuse)

Sociopathic tendency’s of the other divine counterpart? A narcissist? Indirect messages? What is going on here?

The short answer is No, Twin Flames are not Narcissistic/Empathic relationship. Ta-Dah! You may carry on with your life now.

Just like my other post in attempting to analyze the difference between Super-fans and Twin Flames, (YES! YOUR TWIN FLAME CAN BE A CELEBRITY) in this post I am over analyzing Narcissist and Twin Flames, based entirely on my own personal experiences, not by what others repeat.

There’s has been attacks, that I have observed, on twin flames. People are posting videos in saying that Twin Flames are Narcissist / Emphatic relationships. It has caught my attention and I have decided to gut and rewrite this article that originally had a different title. Many people seem to mistake a Twin Flame for a Narcissistic individual.

I have to admit, that even I stumbled a few times over this Narcissistic idea that people are throwing out all over the place and comparing it to the twin flame. This is nothing more but fear that my heart is wrong. The one man I feel so strongly for is doomed to ever materialize, not only that, it’s toxic. My heart is wrong and cursed. It tears me up every time! It feels like death when these thoughts creeped in and then my high vibration gets shot down.

I previously made this post questioning everything that has transpired between me and Billy Corgan. I was asking myself if it’s true that he’s a sociopath. I didn’t even know the word and definition itself as it never crossed my path before. I know I had to step back once again and reflect on everything and needed to rewrite this entire piece.

I’m quite aware that a lot of people may not like my counterpart. I see this all the time in comment sections of news articles and/or YouTube videos etc. There are many of his own fans that claim they like his music, but not him as a person. He also has feuds with many people, even within his own band mates. There’s actually many people who don’t want to see him happy, just so he can write a soundtrack for their pathetically depressing lives. (Who’s the real Narcissist in this situation? There’s something seriously wrong with YOU to keep someone from their happiness.)

When it comes to online mirroring, Twin Flames can mirror each other so well, that it could come across as indirect messages. Especially in this modern age with internet and social media, one can not tell what is pure nor if it was deliberate and intentional. For me, I’d rather find things prior to social media in creating this blog, before our awareness of being Twin Flames. It’s so easy to look each other up (and anyone else online) and play some lame game I’m calling the “Online Mirror Game (OMG!).” Check out the rest of this blog to see all the wonderful synchronicities that has absolutely NOTHING to do with social media. (Yes, you need to click off this page to view the rest of this blog.)


Things are a just a tad bit different (sarcasm?) when it comes to twin flames versus Narcissistic people. Twin Flames operate on an energetic level. We are literary like magnets! Twin Flames can actually feel the magnetic energy between each other. There’s also spiritual awakening of all your soul body. This energy is only felt between Twin Flames not between Narcissist individuals that formed a toxic bond.

What actually happens between twin flames that may have a quality of Narcissist tendencies is: we push each other away when we are not in balanced and aligned. Billy Corgan and I never really did have a fight between us, at least not verbally. What we do is we just turn away and energetically push each other away. If we do actually fight, it would only mean that we are imbalanced. This was the case for us when he came to my club I worked at and when I went to his Christmas party in 2016. You can also see this in our other instances whenever we did meet in person on my book blog My Twin Flame Journey with Billy Corgan that I started ever since learning about being a his counterpart.

What I also like to note about the Christmas Party in 2016 is when he stood next to me. I can’t say shoulder to shoulder because of our height differences but, we were sideways my left side to his right side. He was not looking at me but was saying “go ahead and say it.” Who is he talking to? He’s not looking at me but facing forward. I just turned away because I did not feel like he was addressing me. There’s a wall to his left and no one standing in front of him while he was on his way out of his tea house. Therefore, if he was indeed speaking to me, Twin Flames can’t even look at each other when fighting. The man can’t even look at me if he’s trying to cause a fight. It must be comedy to outsiders if Twin Flames fight.

Twin Flames don’t operate on the physical level, like traditional human relationships. Honestly, when I recall back on our own experiences, I don’t believe Twin Flames can actually fight with each other, per say. I don’t even believe a strong disagreement, where Twin Flames become so toxic towards each other, can occur. We just go silent, walk away and that right there is enough torture. Our minds of over analyzing does the rest. It actually hurts both of us if we do fight. Like both of our Nodes, and how we are opposites, we respond opposite each other.

What happens with the one counterpart, who is often referred to as the runner during physical separation, is that they are so damn scared and insecure to talk to their other Counterpart. They are so consumed with emotions that they never felt before, which is true love. They “run” and distract themselves in the world of illusion. Of course, it’s easier to talk to someone that you feel nothing for then it is for someone who stirs every single emotion in your system, let alone feel a magnetic energy. The one who runs off can’t deal with all of those “feelings”. They run to avoid “catching feelings” because they can’t deal with the pain of being hurt. They fear of being hurt so they jet out. It’s better to leave before it gets intense, or in our case, it has been intense from the start. We can’t even be near each other if we aren’t somewhat balanced.

The problem with “catching feelings” though, is that the runner has “caught feelings”. What’s also amusing is that, both counterparts have never experienced anything like this. There’s only ONE Twin Flame! What we are witnessing is two completely different reactions. The one counterpart wants to explore it even more while the other one is so uncomfortable with these new sensations. It’s one extreme to the other.

What the “Runner Twin” have likely experienced what is called a Kundalini Awakening and that’s why they are running. This is where you feel all of your chakras without even meditating or anything and just with eye contact with your beloved and BOOM, insanity sets in. It’s not only eye contact though, because when I felt my entire chakra system lit up was indirectly through media.

During the 2015 show I attended sitting front and center, when Billy walked right up and stood before me, pointing directly at me singing with his eyes tightly shut, I felt that energy that day. I didn’t know what it was that I felt. I thought it was because I was actually out of the house for the first time since I became a mother. I did start working but that I was actually out doing something, on my own, without my children. The energy I felt when he stood before me, was most likely the crown and heart chakra. Looking at his feet, his legs, up to him. I didn’t know what it was, that I felt. but perhaps the best word was that I was looking into a mirror. I was seeing my own legs and feet outside of my own body. Perhaps it could be described as an out of body experience without being out of body. I was feeling that bubble, in a state of bliss contentment and happiness.

I would not fully catch on everything until I was made more fully awakened until a couple of months later in October of 2015. I was sitting outside and indirectly via online was being informed that we are Twin Flames. I just knew instantly when a photo was posted through an anonymous profile indirectly through social media that I was in that bliss state and I felt every single of my chakras and probably chakras i didn’t even know I had. I felt it all over. It was everywhere and I hadn’t the slightest idea of what I was experiencing. So, a Narcissist has this power? 20 years of being a stripper and this was the first time I ever felt this. I’ve done Yoga and meditation before but I can’t say I experienced anything like this.


I’ve been led to a video talking about “spirit spouses” and claiming that they are evil and demons and how to get rid of them by praying to Jesus.

Signs you have a spiritual spouse and how to get rid of them.

The thing here is, you can’t pray your Twin Flame away! I sometimes wonder if many of these people have met their Twin Flame and are runners themselves. They are very fearful. I can’t say in my entire life that I had encountered “dark” entities and ghost. Then again, I never did any drugs. In my experiences, a lot of these “dark” things must have stayed away from me. I rarely had sexual dreams. In a Twin Flame connection sex without another body can occur. Billy knows I want absolutely nothing to do with that. I find masterbation boring. I would also find this “demon” sex boring, I’d rather be with him, in person. I want to feel his skin against mine and smell his breath when we kiss. I want to hear his voice and look in his eyes… how can I have that with just an energy?

This video sounds like people wanting to blame their relationship problems onto a spirit or dreams. Instead of working on their own issues they want to place blame. They aren’t even blaming a person but a spirit and their dreams. I think they have other personal problems that need to be addressed, but that’s my own opinion.

I don’t watch porn. I have no interest in porn. Yes, I’ve been a stripper for a long time, but I do have my limits and boundaries. I’m more along the line of “classy stripper” even though I know some people can’t separate it at all. Here there’s people placing porn addiction to a spirit? No, you can’t be blaming a spirit to porn addiction! Those people need to work on themselves. I don’t have porn or drug addictions from being in the industry.

Perhaps me and these “dark spirits” are friends. I mean, I’m in that environment where these people will say that demons are at. They don’t bother me if they are in there. I don’t live in fear. Maybe working in what they would consider a demon infested environment, has me fearless. Sometimes I have to deal with jerks that are drunk or high but I’ve learn how to manage. I get told once in a while how my presence is welcoming by some of my co workers and few of the regular customers.


Maybe I should be envious or jealous I don’t know. I rarely have sexual dreams. Throughout my entire life, I really don’t have these sex dreams. How can someone who is around all this sexual type of energy all day, every day for over 20 years, rarely, if ever, have NO sexual dreams? Now, knowing about being a Twin Flame, If I have anything close to a sexual dream, I don’t even let anyone else that isn’t Billy Corgan to approach me or touch me. I mean I do recall having a dream where I flew away from Billy Corgan as he was approaching me. I must have been mad at him, Poor Billy. At least I know who he is. But many don’t know who their twin flame is, so it is an issue on some level because Twin Flames can show up in dreams.

These so called dreams that some people are having that are claiming demons, are you sure they are not projecting any fears during their dreams? In many cases I know how a dream showed up because of my daily life. If I’m watching a scary movie, or read a horror book, etc I can understand why I’m having a demon themed dream. The same can be said about flying. If I’m watching Peter Pan with my children and maybe in a few nights I might dream about flying. Sometimes something might not show up immediately the night of but a few nights later.

I do recall this one dream though, I guess it was a demon that tried to cause harm to me, but I kicked that mother fucker in the face it and it ran off before I woke up. I believe I wrote it down somewhere because it was so memorable. You see, it’s probably working in the strip clubs for as long as I have, I’d say, it pays off. These so called demons have no power over me. Yeah, I think they know not to fuck with me by now. If it’s my honey disguised, he should know by now that I’m not putting up with him masking himself in my dreams. I love him, William Patrick Corgan, not some other entity.

People have dreams having sex with family members? Ewe. Dear Lord, my mind has been polluted! I need to pray. Dear Jesus, please scrub my brain from this insanity! I don’t need to start having these dreams now because power of suggestion! Amen.


I HONESTLY DONT WANT ANYONE ESLE! If there are any other humans I’m “supposed” to be with, then I’m pretty sure I probably killed every single one of those opportunities on some level. I have no interest in “dating” and no, it has nothing to do with demons having sex with me.

Billy Corgan is the man I love. I don’t want a man from India. I don’t want no man from Canada. I don’t want no man from France. I don’t want a man from Africa. I don’t want a man with more money. I don’t want a man with more property. I don’t want a man who’s more popular. I don’t want no man with more guitar skills. I don’t want no man with a deeper voice (even though it would make the most logical choice because of my hearing). I don’t want no man with more hair. I don’t want no man with a darker skin tone. I don’t want a man who is more muscular. I don’t want a doppelgänger. I don’t want a substitute. I don’t want a replacement. I have no desire for anyone else. Period.

These people saying that “spiritual spouses” causes someone to have no desire for a relationship, is false. They also sound like they want to have their options open. How do they know for sure that the person they are with is the one God had in mind for them? They don’t, now, do they? That’s what Twin Flames are. The one that God originally had for us. How are you going to pray away the one God created you with? Isn’t this like saying Adam is going to pray away Eve? For some reason they are turning the counterpart into a demon.

In language of Abraham Hicks, we can see that I surrounded myself with so much contrast in the strip club environment. I came across so many men. For a long time I carried one in my heart, and he’s still the one my heart loves. He’s the body in my mind. I know for certain I don’t want anyone else.

So, can I claim Billy Corgan as my so called spirit demon spouse? I entirely welcome Billy Corgan to possess me. Own me WillIam! Consume me! Jesus, I love that man! Don’t cast that man out of me! I love that demon! I’d like to merge with him. I want William to engulf my entire being! I want his demonic soul to take refuge in me. I want him to just take over my body and selfishly satisfy his human sexual pleasure like a wild animal! YES! I encourage Williams demonic soul to over power me and use me for his selfish gratification of his human flesh! I give full permission for William Patrick Corgan to posses me!

Imagine that Hephaestus came and stood over them, with his smith’s tools, as they lay in bed together. Suppose he asked them, “What is it you want from one another, mortals?’ If they couldn’t tell him, he might ask again. ‘Do you want to be together as much as possible, and not be separated, day or night? If that’s what you want, I’m quite prepared to weld you together, and make you grow into one. You can be united, the two of you, and live your whole life together, as one. Even down in Hades, when you die, you can be a single dead person, rather than two. Decide whether that’s what you want, and whether that would satisfy you.’ We can be sure that no-one would refuse this offer. Quite clearly, it would be just what they wanted. They’d simply think they’d been offered exactly what they’d always been after, in sexual intercourse, trying to melt into their lovers, and so be united. – Symposium of Plato
Translated by Tom Griffith


I believe Twin Flames are considered a you can have your cake and eat it too situation. You can have your spiritual enlightenment and sexual pleasure. You can have that body, mind and soul bliss orgasmic experience. It does not need to be separated even if sexual pleasure is viewed as an illusion, because life is all an illusion. We are a three fold being. Body, mind and soul. I can’t believe we are only here just to sit and meditate for hours and not enjoy the wonders of the world.

I believe anyone who isnt your beloved counterpart will just eventually go sour and fall away or that people begin to experience depression. You ascend higher and reach different levels with your counterpart. I believe Twin Flames will continually to rise up and be filled with high energy without these withdrawals like in other relationships after sexual pleasure, But what do I know, I can’t confirm my hypothesis because at the time of this writing, physical union hasn’t happened yet between me and Billy.

On a side note, I’ve already made these type of posts and statements. Billy already knows. And I believe it’s also another runner situation because there’s major ego death. The ego is the one running and diving into lust.

I believe many people don’t want Twin Flame unions because of their own jealousy. Why can’t they have this level of attaining the highest feeling of love you can imagine (Neale Donald Walsch)? It’s because they can’t handle it. You can tell by their reactions and their actions towards another person who is able and open to receiving this ultimate intense divine love. And it’s also possible their counterpart isn’t in the physical world. I mean if your someone going to run around calling your spiritual spouse a demon, there you go. Also making judgments and criticizing others of their experiences, there you go again! It’s not meant for you so you won’t attract it. God/Source knows all. That’s why you’ll never experience it.


It is said that Twin Flames can have energetic sex and don’t even need to be physical at all. Twin Flames can have distance sex and I’m not talking about masterbation in separate rooms. This is where I can see these people would call it a demon having sex with someone. Just because someone chose to form a contract with another in the earthly world doesn’t mean it’s the actual person God designed for them. I can’t say I had experienced any of these things until after I was made aware of my connection with William Patrick Corgan. And your talking to someone who has worked in the strip clubs for 20 years before then. Maybe it’s the drugs people do and I never gotten involved with any of it, not even prescription drugs, but I have consumed alcohol, and nope, I can’t testify to any of this until after I was made aware. I believe I’m protected by source/God or whatever other entities you choose to believe in like angels or guardians like God parents or whatever.


I’ve recently been watching videos of real life conjoined Twins. We can see Twin Flames being reflected in children who were born attached to their twin sibling. When they enter the world it’s normal to them that they have another attachment as they were fused together in their mothers womb. Singleton people not born this way can’t imagine what it would be like to be so physically attached to someone. Just as people not involved in a twin Flame connection can’t imagine what it’s like being in a Twin Flame connection.

I’m not saying that Conjoined Twins are Twin Flames incarnated but there seems to be a symbolic element to real Twin Flames. Twin Flames are energetically connected; Conjoined Twins are biological. I’m assuming they are soulmates at least and chose to incarnate together. Maybe possibly in preparation of being with their Twin Flame in their next life. They say Twin Flames are rare and so are conjoined Twins. According to the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia:

Conjoined twins occur once in every 50,000 to 60,000 births. Approximately 70 percent of conjoined twins are female, and most are stillborn. Approximately 75 percent of conjoined twins are joined at least partially in the chest and share organs with one another. If they have separate sets of organs, chances for surgery and survival are greater than if they share the same organs. As a rule, shared heart conjoined twins cannot be separated. – CHOP Website

It’s interesting to note that a shared heart can not be separated with conjoined Twins. The same can be said about Twin Flames. We share a energetic connection and can’t be separated even while physically apart. You can’t physically see the connection like Conjoined Twins but it’s felt between Twin Flames. Some people who are tuned energetically and can see and/or feel intuitively Twin Flame connections.

When these Conjoined Twins grow and begin to become mobile, there might be some disagreements but they quickly must learn that they need to work together. If they fight all the time, they won’t get anywhere and remain stuck. They need to somehow work together so they can crawl and walk. The same can be said about Twin Flames, if they don’t balance and harmonize, there’s no physical union. Probably like real life conjoined Twins early in life, Twin Flames will have that separation period to learn to balance the new energy that’s been activated between them. Unlike conjoined Twins, we are not physically attached to each other. Twin Flame runners can physically fly off half way across the globe while Conjoined Twins can never physically separate. Even though Twin Flames are apart physically, mentally and emotionally they remain connected.

Conjoined Twins are not telepathic despite how they are physically connected. Twins connected by their skulls like Neev and Nelly can’t read each other’s minds. The name of this conjoined physical connection is Craniopagus.

Craniopagus: the least common type of conjoined twins, accounting for 2 percent of cases, is represented by fusion of the skull. The twins often share large dural sinuses and vascular structures. Rarely, the brains are separated by bone and each brain has separate leptomeninges. In others, the brains are connected, or separated only by arachnoid, making separation extremely difficult and dependent upon a superior sagittal sinus for each brain. – Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia website

There’s only one case where Conjoined Twins can see, taste and read each other’s thoughts: Krista and Tatiana Hogan. This is an amazing physical discovery of what we can call telepathy and a Twin Flame like connection. The girls can’t medically be separated. How they connect is not on an telepathic level but a physical one.

There is a pair of Conjoined Craniopagus Twins that desired to be separated and went seeking out for a surgeon who would perform the surgery. Ladan and Laleh Bijani were 30 years old when they finally found one. It was also their death sentence. This can also be symbolic for Twin Flames who desire to remain separate. No matter how they appear outwardly, it’s like death being apart or to even think of never being reunited. These women didn’t want to try and make it work between them and surrender to what is. They seemed to care about what others thought and what media tells them what beauty is supposed to look like instead of embracing their own uniqueness and beauty. In the end, they really couldn’t be separated.

In the song Geek USA, Billy writes about him being a part of a conjoined pairing, connected at the wrist. It’s a very simple procedure to separate them but yet, somehow they were forsaken. Conjoined Twins are always the same sex, they come from the same egg spilt in two. In Twin Flames, it’s the same soul but different polarities, masculine and feminine. Even though we are easily physically separated with a same day outpatient procedure because there’s nothing major that will consider us a life and death situation, as in Ladan and Laleh Bijani situation, energetically we can’t be separated. Physical separation is an illusion.

Like I mentioned above, Billy Corgan can’t even look at me if he’s feeling argumentative and energetically we push each other away. If conjoined Twins are toxic towards each other, it would only backfire on them and they would only be hurting themselves. They can’t be so abusive towards each other like a Narcissistic. Conjoined Twins can’t gaslight each other, they gaslight themselves. There’s no ghosting between Conjoined Twins. Conjoined Twins have to learn some sort of compromise to make life work for them. The only thing the runner element can do is be indirect or post indirectly online and Ghost. Billy and I can’t have a him and Courtney/Chloe relationship. Just like when he came to my club and I tapped on him from behind and he turned around, he couldn’t say anything although he started trying to say he was having “a meeting” as he was turning around. As soon as our eyes met, nothing, he was speechless. He then turns back around and I of course fast track back to the dressing room. I already left a link above for when he came to my club but here it is again for your convenience.


Here is a playlist I created of conjoined Twins videos on my YouTube channel

I will now show you below of the indirect online posts, the only option the “runner” seems to take since they can’t directly look at you because of “feelings.”



Billy started a website called People and their cars. This began in September 2015. Little did I realize what was happening when he started it. It would appear he was mirroring me through these images. It became more obvious to me after I was “informed” of being a twin flame and after I started a blog of my own documenting my experiences. He would find an image that seems to match what I was writing about on my blog. The posts were not immediate but within a few days. He most likely needed some time to find an image to post. I thought it was cute though, like he was showing in his little way that he was listening to me. It felt like our own little “secret” game no one could figure out and right out in the open for all the world to see. This seems to be the unhealed little boy that’s in him.

Some time in 2016, Billy claims to have pulled back from his big personal profiles. Considering his many online behaviors and outburst he’s been known to have, having someone else handle his public profile sounds like a very good idea. As he claimed that “management” has took over his accounts. . . Anyway.

While observing and moving along this path, bizarre behavior seems to be commonplace with the Divine Masculines, as I have learned being in the many Twin Flame groups. I have had a few people approach me with other odd behaviors of my Counterpart. Even they felt he was mirroring them on occasions. I dont know how true their statements and claims are, as I still havent seen physical world evidence from those few who’ve made these claims. Also, those “others” could have been him as well, with fake profiles. These profiles could have also been from jealous individuals, or even some of his friends or band members. I guess I’ll never know.

Here is an example of a message I received. I don’t know who this person is/was or if it was him sending me this through a fake profile for his ego to misguide me, or maybe it was Chloe to distract me and she’s the one into mind games. Here is a screen capture of my original post about it. I don’t think I have the original message. I would have to search through a lot of digital files. If I ever find it, this section shall be updated.

What can I say about this? If this is all true, this seems some rather bizarre behavior, even if him and Chloe were involved in some form of an “open relationship.” If they are open, they sure act suspiciously and not like other couples I know that are actually in open relationships. It’s would be obvious that Chloe enables this behavior or she gets off on it, I can’t say for sure. Maybe she likes to watch him flirt with other people.

To me they both seem to have unhealed wounds. She enables his unhealed wounds and he doesn’t evolve, he remains stuck. She stays there and “woah is me.” It’s rare to see her smile next to him. The two I have seen seemed forced. She looks miserable whenever I seen them pictured together. We can probably see how they manifested each other in this situation with Law of Attraction. The Billy Corgan broken masculine and this miserable female enabler.


After People and Their Cars website seemed to have been left in the dust in the beginning of 2016, he would use In-direct messages through his Facebook and back to Twitter and perhaps these other anonymous profile(s) that I can’t prove is him, but they were very coincidental. Considering this is all spiritual stuff, maybe it is his higher self that speaks to me. He could very well be unconsciously posting. But since this man already knew who I was, I won’t put anything past his human form with cyber stalking and such. Billy Corgan can be a very calculated individual. My real world signs/Syncs are a different story though. I can’t make any of that up. Is this man unconsciously doing things or is he conscious?

What’s Going On?

What I feel is happening is, we are showing what is happening internally within. There are times he seems to have picked up on some of my thoughts that I never even posted. The “mirrors” I’m able to show in the real world, are on these blogs. The mirrors are consistent. We are so intertwined. If he’s unconsciously posting, and not cyber stalking me, then we are very telepathic.

Eventually, I would let his online social media go. Slowly. Yeah, of course I may have had a day or two (or three or four) that I’m curious and stalk. This took time for me to fully let go. But I hit the unfollow buttons for most of his profiles in 2016/2017. At least with the profiles that I was using mostly. I held on to a few that followed him but I never logged on and I rarely used. I mostly used the ones that weren’t following him. It wasn’t until early 2021 that I decided to completely delete all my Twitter and Facebook. They are gone. I had enough of them. Soon Instagram will probably follow. Social media detachment has be a process as well.

Here are some of the indirect messages that I created using collages to show the online indirect messages:

He also did this with his Twitter, not just his People and their Cars website. I had one particular profile that followed me and only me on the one Twitter account, which I believe was him. He would then use his main profile to post indirectly.

Here is an Instagram collage. Billy actually liked my one post I tagged him in calling him out. Awe, how sweet, to throw me a bread crumb. Because God forbid he actually admitted anything or any feelings even though he wrote hundreds of songs about the subject matter. Don’t forget to check out my In Plain Song post for the many songs showing unconscious messages.

I don’t know if he was trying to view me as his rival and needs to fight. He’s fighting himself, if this is so. “Stalks his prey in the night”, he’s probably referring to dreams and of astral projection (or social media stalking more likely).

This post below shows Billy seems to have stalked my Spotify and made another indirect post, again, on his Instagram account. He wanted to add his input into my song list. Thank you so much WILLIAM! He’s so helpful.

Like I mentioned before about being actual magnets to each other and having a hard time balancing, this seems to be the way he wants to show me how interested he actually is by distance. Sometimes I do find it amusing though. He has to go out of his way and find a mirror to post. (I thought he was in…. Did he just fly to…. ? I found myself asking a few times. ) The effort of his creativity is just amazing! I don’t know if this is the correct word to use, but it’s what I’m using right now. Also, he’s so dedicated and cute! I love him!

This was another indirect post when I posted about working at Denny’s back in early 2000, right before I went and seen him for the first time in person. Geeze, I wonder who took the picture…. probably Chloe, the person who enables this behavior. The one who is sticking around because she’s insecure and feels a need to create a false happy nuclear family with him because that’s what the elite do. Yeah, she’s happy to enable his behavior of posting indirect messages, she even does it herself. But, I did find her Twin Flame. Will they get together? That’s the bonus question.


Satan came to me dressed in the man I ever loved. I’m telling him, get away from me. This whole thing is a distraction from the true purpose and that’s a connection with God/Divine Source.

Of course when I first came out with this post and have mentioned this quote, William, would make his next album cover, released November 22, 2019, with a horned goat devil like image, in white and titled it Cotillions. I guess he was trying to be funny. He wants to be all devil like. Oh my spirit husband demon! Possess me! Take my body and physically use me for your bodily enjoyment! Take over my soul! Absorb me! Engulf my entire being forevermore merged with you!

The word cotillion was first used in 18th-century France and England to describe a group dance that is considered to be a forebearer of the square dance (à la the dancing in Pride and Prejudice). This specific dance came to be considered a good finale for any ball, which seems to translate well to its use today. Cotillion is typically a season of etiquette classes for middle-school aged children that ends with a final dinner-dance where they get to show off what they’ve learned. From an article The Difference Between a Cotillion and a Debutante Ball posted in Southern Living written by Maggie Burch

The Difference Between a Cotillion and a Debutante Ball


Billy may have also been showing up as fake profiles, but in my mind I refuse to count them. I should, but I have no absolute proof. A profile shows up asking questions or chatting with me and am I supposed to assume every profile that does this is now him? Some may say something and then a bit down the line he may post something on his own profile about that topic.

I believe the music video Solara was also title accordingly to a conversation I had with an anonymous person. I don’t believe I screen captured that conversation and deleted the Instagram I was using before I thought of saving the conversation. Solara is an author and I would eventually read a few of her books. It would start to make sense with the theme of the one book and Machina, depending on when he read those books. The one book that stands out to me came out October 1, 1991. (I would turn 15, two days later. Billy was 24. Gish was released May 28, 1991. Solara first book was published in 1987.)

Here is my analysis of Solara on my book formatted blog CHAPTER 25 (TWO-5): SOLARA – SILVERY SOMETIMES: MY REVIEW


This is a consistent thing from him. I have to say, he’s very consistent. I haven’t bored you yet, William? I should feel loved and blessed! Thank you William! And I do feel blessed, because I love you! Kiss kiss.

Considering it’s been well over 3 years he’s been doing online mirror game and he even tried to have a child on my birthday in 2018, and there’s still no real physical contact with me from him, this appears very Narcissistic of him. This is what people now call ghosting. I never even heard of the term before I started looking into Narcissism in 2019 and just called it avoidance and ignoring me. It’s very immature. It’s also very annoying. Not only that, but somehow I can still long for him and this is like some long dragged out teasing game of sorts. It’s the entire silent treatment and hiding behind a twin flame runner label. He’s conscious of us so why this deceit? Maybe I now have Stockholm Syndrome from this online indirect messages? Why is he the only person in the entire world that I just haven’t let go after this long?

I blame social media for most of it, because so many of us are now addicted to it. I’ve unfollowed him and have even decided to not log into social media as much. As of February 2021, I have entirely deleted Facebook and Twitter (Instagram I still have but I haven’t been logging on as much and I took the app off all my devices, so I have to install it to use it.


I have reached out to him a few times. I went to shows and sat in the front. I’ve done VIPs, I went to his tea house, all documented on my book formatted blog My Twin Flame Journey with Billy Corgan.


I have encountered a few other non celebrity twins that feel their celebrity counterpart is attacking them. I’m still in disbelief of how this can be, but it’s also probably social media crap and not real physical world experiences. The way how the celebrity Counterpart behaves seems to be common in our collective. What I’ve experienced with my celebrity counterpart is actually not uncommon.


This is a touchy topic here. As I have mentioned before somewhere on this blog, mirrors don’t hide anything. They are everywhere. They are in your deepest secrets. They are in places you don’t want to look at. I’m sure there are many reasons why someone don’t want to look into the mirror and look at themselves. The twin flame journey has more to do with healing. Physical union is the award but what is also the award, you can be satisfied without the award. It’s what’s called an inner union. It’s an inner peace. If anyone, and I’m not talking about just Twin Flames but in general, is toxic, you can be ok with that and love them from a distance. I love my Twin for a very long time in my heart before being aware and I know my love for him is not going anywhere, from personal experiences.

Going into the family background has been tricky, but I believe I have found the mirroring. I can see this timeline as linear as well. So before we start let me mention a few people that spoke about Narcissism that I have used for my deep diving.


Here are the two main people that speak about Narcissism that seemed to have spoken to me when I started looking more into this topic.


Ross Rosenberg

Vivian McGrath

Book: Karyl McBride, Ph.D author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Ross has a book called Human Magnet syndrome. I get what the title is suggesting, the people being attracted to you. This magnet is not the same magnet you feel with a twin flame. Billy and I are not trauma bonded. We never had an actual relationship to trauma bond us. That trauma bond happens over time while in some type of physical sexual relationship with another person and you allow things to progress. Billy and I never even kissed. I can just unplug from the internet and guess what, he’s gone. People grew to social media addiction and it has nothing to do with if a Twin Flame is being Narcissistic and doing indirect messages. We need to separate our social media and internet addiction and the Online Mirror Games just vanish. Isolate the real world interactions from social media: What happened between you and the other person in the real world and what is going on online. You are better off detaching from social media and their social media.

When I isolate the two, Billy never did anything to try and hurt me. We have our energies that were doing the pushing and pulling. Yeah, some of this online stuff may have interfered and that’s why we need to let go and clean up our vibrations and work on ourselves. Billy Corgan and I are quantum entangled. Our mirrors happen wither or not we are physically together or even social media connected, as I have shown with this blog.

I will now dive into this Narcissism issue starting with Vivian.


They say as Twin Flames they are our mirror and I could NOT figure out what it is about him possibly being Narcissistic that’s a reflection of me. I had a healthy childhood. I know he had some issues in his own childhood and is a product of his broken environment. So, we are opposite. This just didn’t add up for me about this possible mirror and why attracting a relationship has been horrible for me. Now I have a Twin Flame, why does he stay away and not even speak to me? And then one day in the middle of 2019, I came across a video that tugged at me and I cried, not a explosive dramatic cry, but it brought tears in my eyes for sure and I felt it in my heart.

Not Good Enough. Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

She spoke to me and I felt it. The first time I watched it, it had angelic quality to it for me. I mean she could have just added sparkles in her video, that kind of thing, that was my first impression of the video, that perhaps I was divinely guided to it. It looks like I found that reflection I couldn’t figure out. What is Billy Corgan showing me, is it that I’m not good enough for love and it came from my “perfect” family, in my childhood? Is that it?

There was another video Vivian made called Emotionally Immature Parents. I felt this one too. Things began to click in my head that really hurt, especially when I first watched them. That “perfect” happy family I was raised in was shattered.

I have purchased the book Vivian had recommended in her video, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. I will be using quotes from the book in this next section. Also, I will be laying down a foundation before I show the mirrors with Billy Corgan. A Twin Flame has pieces of everyone that you have encountered in your life. It’s quite interesting to see everyone packaged in one human. The Twin Flame embodies everything you hope, dream and fear. You can probably also see more reason for the runner to run. Face the mirror and do internal healing?


I was never physically abused but this form of abuse would be psychological and emotional. I didn’t view it as something huge for me personally because it wasn’t an every day occurrence. Considering that many other people experienced more extreme abuse, my experiences are minor. Perhaps I could use the same words as Vivian in the video, “Narcissistic Tendencies”. It matches well with Narcissistic Tendencies of the Twin Flame runner that they portray.

As girls, we were programmed to look at the dynamics of the family in a positive light, even though we knew we lived under a shadow. Our families usually did look good to outsiders, but though we sensed something was wrong, we were told that really “it is nothing.” This kind of emotional environment and dishonesty can be crazy-making. Smile, be pretty, and act like everything’s good. Sound familiar? – Karyl McBride, Ph.D author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

As a child I was a shadow of my mother. At the church she worked at, she was basically in charge of everything, especially in my youth. Indeed she can be considered a control freak when viewed in this way. But somehow she got the job she did and was doing it well. She was the “go to person”. Anything about that church she knew everything. Was it a fault of her own to have had that much control? I was a kid, what did I know? If people looked at me and didn’t know who i was, it’s, I’m Joyce’s daughter. Then immediately their faces light up.

In this book, Karyl McBride had a list of ten stingers. Yes, another list of ten. Why is everything so long? I guess just a reflection of the TEN Commandments (eye roll). My responses are in italics.


1. You find yourself constantly attempting to win your mothers love, attention, and approval, but never feel able to please her.

Both big and little girls want to please their mothers and feel their approval. Beginning early in life, it is important for children to receive attention, love, and approval – but the approval needs to be for who they are as individuals, not for what their parents want them to be. But narcissistic mothers are highly critical of their daughters, never accepting them for who they are.

I don’t know if I considered myself as consistently trying to win her approval. I mean, most of my childhood is focused in the 1980s. I was allowed to walk to the corner store(s) and while she worked I stayed at friends houses. I think I had an independent streak from the start. I think I broke her own heart with mostly going my own route and not what they wanted me to be. I did have a bit of tomboyish element to me.

2. Your mother emphasizes the importance of how it looks to her rather than how it feels to you.

“It’s much better to look good than to feel good:” could easily be a narcissistic mother’s mantra. Looking good to friends, family, and neighbors, rather than feeling good inside, is what’s most important to her. A narcissistic mother sees you as an extension of herself, and if you look good, so does she. It may appear on the surface that she is concerned about you, but at the end of the day it is really all about her and the impression she makes upon others. How you look and act is important to her only because it reflects her own tenuous self-worth. Whenever you are not on display and can’t be seen by others, you become less visible to her. Sadly, how you feel inside is not really important to her.

Control can be seen with what I wear. It wasn’t like I was dressing as a stripper when I was young (I still don’t but only at work not outside) but something dumb like that I need to wear pink and/or white sneakers. I can recall a time picking out shoes for school and I wanted the ones that had colors like gray, black and blue and each time it was “they look like boy shoes” and she would pick out a white and pink pair. I was thinking of dark colors because white gets dirty fast especially since they were going to be for gym class, but ok. We were in a Lady Foot Locker.

Or on church Sundays and holidays and every year to go out shopping for a new Easter dress that’s only being worn once. I can understand as a child because we are growing and won’t be the same every Easter. But my mother still goes out buying a new outfit and she has a closets full of clothes she probably only worn once. They aren’t huge closets nor walk ins, it’s just some medium sized house.

It was just dumb stuff and it didn’t bother me much to worry about it or to consider that I needed healing from it. It was just trivial. As they say, pick your battles. It seems to be something I knew built in me. (Wear the ugly dress for a hour or two, go home and change. As I mentioned, I did have a tomboyish streak in me. Maybe because I had two older brothers and I was also growing up with a male cousin.)

Oh, the house must be seen as model home. “Picture perfect.” She doesn’t like it to look at a mess. Anything of mine is considered “junk”. If I leave maybe two items out, the house is a “pigsty”. I guess you can say, I mostly just roll my eyes at this and just move my items. Again, pick your battles.

3. Your mother is jealous of you

Mothers are usually proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. You may have noticed that whenever you draw attention away from your mother, you’ll suffer retaliation, put downs, and punishments. A narcissistic mother can be jealous for many reasons: her looks, material possession, accomplishments, education, and even the girl’s relationship with her father. This jealousy is particularly difficult for her daughter, as it carries a double message: “Do well so that Mother is proud, but don’t do too well or you will outshine her.”

I now sometimes wonder if the reason why I never went forward and I guess kind of froze of further pursuit with my jobs because of this. To don’t do too well to outshine. Maybe there was some of this fear besides the loosing of my privacy and a number of other things, like my hearing.

Most daughters report that if they did have good relationships with their fathers, their mothers were intensely jealous of them. Karyl McBride, Ph.D author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My mother has over the years occasionally accused me of favoring my father over her. Say what? You don’t know what to say when you hear that from a parent, as a child. Also, that I don’t know how to make my own decisions in life because, “Your mother knows best”. It is very egotistical to say that to a child invalidating a child’s own decisions.

4. Your mother does not support your healthy expressions of self, especially when they conflict with her own needs or threaten her.

When children are growing up, they need to be able to experience new things and learn to make decisions about what they like and don’t like. This is partly how we develop a sense of self. When mothers are narcissistic, they control their child’s interests and activities so that they revolve around what the mothers find interesting, convenient, or nonthreatening. They do not encourage what their daughters truly want or need. This can even extend to a daughter’s decisions to have a child of her own.

I guess I wasn’t the most compliant child but I did grow up in the 1980s. If mom was against something, well, that’s why we have friends. As a teenager, I just never say anything or talked to her about much only minor things. You just learn to be sneaky.

5. In your family, it’s always about Mom.

Even though “It’s all about Mom” is one of the central themes throughout this book, I’ve added this stinger here to illustrate some specific examples of how this plays out in the mother-daughter connection. Narcissistic mothers are so self-absorbed that they don’t recognize how their behavior affects other people, particularly their own children. My own mother recently acted out this fifth dynamic, but this time I knew how to handle it. While I was in the midst of deadlines writing this book, my mom wanted me to come visit her and my dad in their new home. Not only had they just recently visited me in our home, but, as I had explained to her, this was a very busy time for me writing as well as running a full-time practice. I made it clear to her that a better time for me would be after I’d complete more work on the book. She responded with, “We all have goals and some of them don’t get done. You need to start doing some things that ordinary people do.” In other words, it didn’t matter what important things were going on in my life at the moment; it was all about what she wanted me to do; visit her. In years past, I would have done what my mom wanted me to do regardless of how it worked for me, my schedule or my finances. Thank God for recovery! This time around I held my ground and told her I’d visit when the time was right.

I got this in the way of jobs I’ve been leaning towards. They are always of the creative fields and they’d rather me work “ordinary jobs” like “ordinary people.” Me, being a highly independent person, just can’t be stuck in a cubicle or standing behind a register. I guess you can see those disagreements.

But, also as I mentioned somewhere, mom worked at the church. Her entire life was that Catholic church. Everything. I guess you can say it was her passion. Her passion was the Catholic Church and we revolved around that.

6. Your mother is unable to empathize.

Lack of empathy is a trademark of narcissistic mothers. When a daughter grows up with a mother who is incapable of empathy, she feels unimportant; her feelings are invalidated. When this happens to a young girl, an older girl, or even a grown woman, she often gives up talking about herself or tuning in to her own feelings.

I can agree to this. Intuitively I knew I couldn’t talk to her. I learned that early in life. I know times when I asked questions and she would over react. This was especially true as a teenager, but don’t teenagers naturally rebel?

7. Your mother can’t deal with her own feelings.

Narcissists don’t like to deal with feelings – including their own. Many daughters I’ve worked with grew up denying or repressing their real feelings in order to put on an act they learned their mothers wanted to see. These daughters describe their mothers as going “stone cold” or “fading into the woodwork” when feelings are discussed. Some report that their mother can express only anger, which she does often. When a mother’s emotional range is limited to cold, neutral, or angry, and she doesn’t allow herself or her daughter to express her true feelings, the two will have a superficial relationship with very little emotional connection.

I’m not so sure, but if I think about it, during the years at the church, I don’t think she had any time to sit and think about her own feelings. She was there for 38 years. Something is always being done for the church.

Eventually, when it came time for the main priest to move on and they gotten another, he slowly divided up her job and distributed it to others. I’m sure some of that stress of being in control of everything was welcomed. There were two other office workers there but my mom was still in command but everything still went through her. But even when her job was being lessen, she would still be found with so much time for the church because now she’s like the director and overseeing everything there.

I have read somewhere that church people are narcissistic, so I feel this is where I need to look more into.

8. Your mother is critical and judgmental.

It is very hard for an adult to get over being constantly criticized or judged as a child. We become overly sensitive about everything. Narcissistic mothers are often critical and judgmental because of their own fragile sense of self. They use their daughters as scapegoats for their bad feelings about themselves, and blame them for their own unhappiness and insecurity. Children – and sometimes adults – don’t understand that the reason Mom is so critical is because she feels bad about herself, so instead of recognizing the criticism as unjust or a product of their mothers’ frustration, they absorb it. (“I must be bad, or Mother would not be treating me like this.”) These negative messages from our early upbringing become internalized – we believe them to be true – causing us great difficulties later in life. A narcissistic mother’s criticisms create a deep feeling within her daughter that she is “never good enough.” It is incredibly hard to shake.

Well, I guess you can be a bit emphatic of her when it came to my choice in job. Not many people like my industry but I can say I learned a lot about people.

But as a child? I can’t think of a time I thought “I must be bad”. Again, I did grow up in the 80s and mom was busy with the church. She’s probably more of the avoidant type and keeping busy.

9. Your mother treats you like a friend, not a daughter.

Well, this one just isn’t true for me at all. So, I didn’t even type out the description. I had friends that told me they can tell their mother anything and talk about anything and I was kind of envious of that. I even once asked her, mom, can we be friends and she said No. “I’m your mother.” So, I’m not so sure about this “Stinger.”

If this is you, I’ll just recommend to go buy the book.

10. You have no boundaries or privacy with your mother.

When I was a child growing up and for 38 years (now retired) she was busy with the church which was one mile from our house. People came to the house, she’s on the phone or even brings the typewriter house working on things. I guess you can say she was emotionally and mentally absent.




I never see it before, but perhaps now I do. I even became “stuck” living back at my parents house these many years later and I guess it was for me to see this reflection, perhaps to try and heal and make amends, but I’m not so sure if any of that is even possible, with the blood family at least. Any “hint” could well be an act on their part because they could be stalking me on social media as well, and need to keep that “facade” alive to the world because I’ve been open. “Look at all the things we’ve done for you” situation.


In the video Vivian speaks about people pleasing. But, perhaps I can be seen as a more highly evolved, not speaking in an arrogant manner, just a reflection of looking back in life from then to now. I can’t say if I’m a people pleaser because I know how to say no. I became a stripper at 19. Oh how that can stab someone who may be a narcissist parent and need something to brag about. This would all be unconscious on my part for a long time of the why I became drawn to be a stripper other than it’s a form of dancing. Even though I’m a stripper, I don’t go around saying yes to every man asking me to go home with them. I’m not easy. Just because a man gave me money doesn’t mean I own him sexual pleasure or give him my phone number.

Yes, I’d get blamed for my choice of a career that didn’t please them. I’ve gotten kicked out of the house twice just for being a dancer. It wasn’t that I was a junkie or causing violence or anything else, but that I danced and they can’t have that. I don’t see the point of working long hours at a slave job for minimum wage or in some cold cubicle sitting on my ass. I wanted to move and not just sit on my ass all day.

It’s also a party type of lifestyle. I was used to that, correct? My parents holding gathering at their house or going to other peoples houses for parties. Church people like to drink. My parents are social people. They were most definitely the life of the party. As life goes on and my brothers grew up and moved out, all parties are now at my one brothers house. But, I was being kicked out for deciding to have a job that’s a party life. I rarely drank over the years and now I don’t at all since maybe 2017? I find it boring.


I was also in special education while growing up, so I could never be that perfect child to get straight A’s which they could brag to people about but I can be viewed as a burden since I was special needs. Woah is me situation to the family. I don’t know how they felt with having a child classified as “communication handicapped.” These are unspoken words many parents would never reveal. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t handicapped enough for them though. I mean, if I was more handicapped, I wouldn’t have the job I have.


Yeah, I can see this with her now. I never had the words for it though. I think she does a selective mirroring though. And that the old mirrors she did before and refuses to change. It would be a great mirroring if she decided to go vegan!


I definitely see this in my later years, not as a child. It may have always been there and maybe I can find it while reflecting back on it, but it stands out more to me in my later years. I do have two older brothers ten and nine years older (yes, Billy’s age. He’s smacked in the middle) and I can recall listening to fights late at night when they come home late and getting a shouting match lecture. I would be “asleep” in my room.

Many of these arguments with my brothers didn’t happen all the time. If they happened more frequently then it was kept away from me. But, let’s look at the current situation.

A Psychosomatic mother uses illness and aches and pains to manipulate others, to get her way, and to focus attention on herself. She cares little for those around her, including her daughter, or their needs. If your mother was like this, the only way you were able to get attention from her was to take care of her. If you failed to respond to her, or even rebelled against her behavior, Mom would play the victim by becoming more ill or have an illness-related crisis to redirect your attention and make you feel guilty. I call the is illness control method.” It is very effective. If the daughter does not respond, she looks bad and feels like a loser who can’t be nice to her mother. The most important thing to the psychosomatic mother is that her daughter be there for her and understand her. Karyl McBride, Ph.D author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My mother does not take care of herself. Perhaps it is related that she has nothing to brag to people about because I became a stripper? Clearly I can’t be the only cause. I have currently (2021) been blamed for her health. She’s overweight and her view of a “diet” is drinking items labels as “diet” and never reading the label nor research what exactly “diet” on a label actually is. She never exercises and just sits and watches television at night, no hobbies, doesn’t read books. She does like to go out, but now they are older, their one main priest friend they went out with often since I was a teenager, has passed away. Going out is usually to go to the casino. I am being blamed for her health because I’m back at home and causing her so much stress. Never mind how I feel about being back at my parents house, the stress of the pandemic and it’s effects. Anything I say is obsolete because it gets overshadowed by how she feels. It was my brother to throw it at me that if anything happens to them and they die because of their health, it’s my fault. What exactly do they say to each other to come up with this idea is beyond me. Blame blame blame. I try mentioning a few times about eating more healthy and I even been vegan for 7 1/2 years but hey, I’m the extremist. They won’t do a damn thing until it’s too late or their doctor tells them to because they are experiencing some “discomforts” and also like to blame things on old age. You can’t say that. There’s plenty of older people who are in excellent health. Did any of you see that 60-70 year old woman doing pole work? Or that 70 year old woman body builder? I briefly followed her on Instagram until I deleted it. Much respect to her!

My mother did, for a short period of time in her life, go on a diet. She did weight watchers and went to meetings. She did loose a lot of weight. If I recall correctly, I believe she went down to a size 12. Then one day, it was all back. She NEVER dared to go on a diet again. This must be what it was, the psychosomatic narcissistic behavior of thinking. My gosh the HORROR that people were seeing you differently and probably being happy with her results of taking care of her health, instead of “woah is me.” I’m the baby of the family, so her weight can be claimed that I made her that way and she never lost the weight after having me.


This is going to be a brief story to make a quick point with little details. In early 2021, I had a incident where my car broke down less than a mile from the house. It wouldn’t start. I texted my mother and my parents did come out, and also my brother. He knew someone that had my car towed. I was on my way to work. Now, I don’t know how I was going to work. When we get back to the house I was trying to figure out how I was going to get to work. I asked my mom if I can use her car. What she said really stung and validated this. She refused to let me use her car and even said, “Why? So you can be happy?” Well, there it is.

Apparently, I didn’t get to work that day and I was being cornered, so to speak, even by my brother to get another job. Oh and how he wants to help me, which is ok, thank you for helping me with new hearing aids because mine stopped working and he wants to be able to “have a conversation with me” (after 44 years he wants to talk to me now?) but they were acting concerned (and faithless, they have no faith in me). Trying to get me to tell them my finances so they can “help” and they will basically pay me to not go to work and find “something else”. So, during all of these lockdowns, you expect me to find a brand new job after many people are loosing jobs? Of course, I’m going to question motives. You want to give me stuff so you can put me in a position where I “owe” you a favor for your generosity, correct?

I didn’t get to work that day, but I did take the bus the next day.


So, Billy Corgan can be reflecting the Narcissistic tendencies and this is also reflected in his music lyrics of what I called the bitter masculine and in his behavior towards me, even from a distance and not moving towards me? We haven’t had a physical relationship.

I know I have mentioned some personal things in here in regards of my mother, it’s just a foundation. I’m going to bring it around now.

Billy has a younger (half) brother, born same year as me, that is special needs. He took care of him. Billy is the oldest out of the three of them. How did Billy feel with having this responsibility? With his band, the Smashing Pumpkins, if you read anything about the early years of the band, you’ll see that Billy ended up doing everything on the first two albums. Reflective of my mother doing everything at the church? Was it both of their own choice to have done everything?


Is Billy Corgan placing blame on me? Is he blaming me for why he’s bitter? Instead of taking care of himself, he’d rather blame someone outside of himself.

I would later realize, Courtney is actually Psychosomatic. Interesting. So, this is how it’s showing up in my life?


Well, as I have shown with this blog, me and him do enough mirroring. These other indirect social media mirrors he’s been doing I’m just going to call them bonuses. Thank you my love! You are amazing!


Billy Corgan is the oldest out of three siblings. I’m the baby of my family of three siblings. Billy has a brother 9 years younger then him like I have two older brothers ten and nine years older. Billys youngest brother is a half sibling. I’m not sure from who though. I’m assuming his mother? This can very well be symbolic of the family dynamic changes in my family, with my mother working at the church. Billy has mentioned how his parents lived close but rarely seen him and his brother. They were not there physically nor emotionally, just as my mother was so focused at the church.

Apparently there was physical abuse with Billy. I know my brothers got “the belt” and I don’t know any much detail about any of that. I know my brother who was born the same year as Billy, exactly 28 weeks apart they are, has said to me before that he thought I should have gotten the belt and that I had it easy because they broke in our parents. I don’t know what reasoning they had to whip a child with a belt. And my brother would also say when he son was 8, he had to give him the belt and it straighten him right up.

I see no reason at all to whip a child, I don’t do it to my own. There’s nothing I find that they do that would even require that, or any child. That’s all some major control issues from the parent.

As I have mentioned on me and Billys linear timeline, the Twin Flame mirrors the family the beloved is born into. All of this stuff sounds like nothing more but Billy Corgan mirroring my family. It’s like this, so family, how do you like knowing your just some mirror?

When I think of the “family image” I believe many could be classified as the socialite. Yes, they work blue collared jobs but they do those social party things. I never had a word for it before, until social media appeared. There’s creative people and non creative people. I have an uncle that does woodworking and still does. He made these doll furniture for my daughter. His partner since his wife died made clothing and linens for them. Of course my daughter rarely plays with them but the amount of creativity from them to make them is uniquely amazing itself. My father doesn’t do too much now other then maybe what mom needs done around the house. He’s just sitting watching television if they aren’t going anywhere. Yeah, he built the decks in the backyard but it was mostly for when they had parties here. My brother does them now and he doesn’t do much with the up-keeping This is how I define them as socialites. It’s mostly for show. But, I’ve been back home so, I guess not much to show off with me being here.


I’m going to throw out another radical idea. This is your dynamic, just like being a celebrity and non celebrity, your counterpart has Narcissistic Tendencies. Unlike everyone else in the world perhaps they were Narcissistic towards, you can handle it. The way that they are doesn’t bother you nor effect you in any negative way. Billy was throwing out quite some things at the last show I was at and appeared very indirectly towards me. The entire show seemed as such, but it didn’t really effect me. I wasn’t really bother by it. He started to walk towards me at the end of the show but I quickly turned away and didn’t look at him. After a moment I turned and looked back and he was gone. As Twin Flames we are strong enough to handle such a situation. If this is our family situation then you most likely already have the knowledge built within you. Yes, you were already prepared. You’ve been preparing your entire life.


I know what you’re thinking, but isn’t this proof that he’s a Narcissistic? Actually, no. A true twin flame is a true mirror. They mirror nearly everyone you have ever encountered in your life. I can find all sorts of people I had relationships with thru him. He doesn’t just mirror Narcissistic Tendencies, he has positive traits as well. He does mirror me as well. My mother has no interest in playing guitar. She sung in the folk group at the church, but she’s just an extra voice. She’s not very loud nor does solo. She just goes along and probably thinks she’s saved because she worked at a church, but they do say church people can be Narcissistic.


But my hearing. I thought another issue was my hearing. I just gotten hearing aids while finishing my album…? I think it started to have an effect on me and I just dropped everything. Maybe it’s also reflective of the not good enough. Everything in my world changed when I got hearing aids and there were sounds I started to find annoying, for example typing on a keyboard. The clicking drove me nuts I had to take them out to type on a computer. I created a whole chapter on my book blog CHAPTER 27 (TWO-7): ALL ABOUT MY HEARING.

I needed a break after finishing my album, but apparently I took a very long break. I would soon find myself in a “housewife” situation leaving my music behind. I ended up attracting a man like my family and having two children with. Trying to get back into it hasn’t been easy. I was trying to get myself back into it before I found out I was a Twin Flame, which was October 2015.


I have found something for me in relation to my mother and Narcissism. I believe this is what most likely holds me back even trying to meditate or to regularly pray.

I found Matt on Instagram. I can’t recall exactly how but perhaps a recommendation. I liked what he was posting and his teachings. Now I’m not sure if I’m at 100% of his teachings but for a Christian teaching from the Bible, I do enjoy. Before I left Instagram, I subscribed to his newsletters. In this one newsletter, he mentioned about Religious Abuse and had listed ten red flags. I was excited to have found this and decided it fits well with this topic.

Religious abuse is real. How can you recognize it? Simple. You have to point out the anti-gospel actions of the abuser.Here are some red flags to be aware of:

  1. The abuser will attempt to make themselves seem “more holy” than you.
  2. The abuser cannot stand grace by itself.
  3. The abuser is focused on your sin.
  4. The abuser is not focused on their own sin.
  5. The abuser only praises you for your good behavior when you do things exactly as they say.
  6. The abuser takes Scripture out of context and tries to make you obey Old Testament laws and commandments as they fail miserably at them themselves.
  7. The abuser will give you the silent treatment if you don’t shape up according to their liking.
  8. The abuser will threaten you with hell, as if they have the right to send you there.
  9. The abuser will claim God is withholding your blessings because you don’t do what they say you should.
  10. The abuser will claim you are rightfully being punished by God because of your inability to be more like them.

I’ll stop at ten, but I could easily go up to 100 examples of the characteristics of religious abusers.

Matt McMillen I Was a Victim of Religious Abuse

This is where my issue of me and God, it has nothing to do with Billy Corgan. My mother would tell me that I’m committing adultery with my job but what about her sins? Jesus didn’t like the people gambling and flipped tables, she gambles. Mom still goes to church every Sunday. I know, she’s very holy and probably sees all the things “wrong” in my life as punishment from God. She’s so much more blessed then I am and will flaunt it. Look at my life and how popular I am. We go out and social all the time. We have so much plans and parties to attend with other devoted Catholics. This here can be seen with Billy Corgan. Look at me and all these famous people.

This is most probably where abuse is for me and the reflection. Billy Corgan has been saved, look at the female he had children with. She’s so much more holier than I am, she never stripped. So, Billy Corgan has every right to be ashamed and avoid me. He would never do such things! He has every right to not be seen with me nor acknowledge me. Stripping is the worse! It’s worse than his drug addict ex Courtney, because she was saved. She stopped stripping. She didn’t make a career out of it. My mother is correct, stripping is the lowest and beyond the gutter. My mother would rather I be a drug addict than a stripper because drug addicts can be saved. Because I can strip sober, I am worthless and not good enough and never will be. Stripping is probably even worse than being a murderer according to my mother.

I could never ask her questions. Any time I ask anything about religion, the answer I would receive is “Don’t question my faith.” We can’t have communication between us. Anytime I ask a question it’s almost like a battle ground.

I’ve mention some of these sins of Billy’s in this article: JEALOUSY ON THE TWIN FLAME JOURNEY

I do like this man’s teachings Matt. He’s a Christian and he’s also funny. I have followed him on Instagram but I deleted that account. I signed up for his emails and the title of this article caught my attention to read it. I haven’t gotten a book of his yet. This is the article where the list I copied and paste is from.

Religious Abuse


Considering Billy Corgan who is my divine Twin Flame, a musician, someone who seems to have excellent hearing, considering he has yelled at people from the stage because they distracted him, I can see how my hearing can reflect that I’m not good enough. How can I be good for him when my hearing is severely loss? This man is a professional musician and my hearing is horrible.

Billy Corgan is also someone not many people like, he’s just where my heart went for so many years. The family will have to accept him like they had to accept my job all these years. When I got kicked out twice, I survived on my own and lived on my own for a total of 13 years, minus those few months I went back home to get kicked out again. Up until I ended up with Bill, the father of my two children I was on my own. They seem to forget that. If I didn’t have my children, I’m sure my life would be much different, as I recall having thoughts of leaving Bill before I found out I was pregnant.

Sometimes I wonder if my family are now trying to plan some manipulation tactics during these hard times in the world to get me to conform. There have been questionable moments since I’ve been back at my parents house. Having children holds me back from walking out the door and never to return. It’s a damned if I do or damned if I don’t. I’ve been threatened again with being kicked out during this pandemic but, I also hear “you’re going to leave your children?” “You have two beautiful children, you’re going to leave them.” When did I say I was leaving my children?

If I were a man, this would not be a question. There’s just too much to write to be put into this article about family drama. It also looks to be the case all over the world now, so I know I’m not alone.

I believe Billy Corgan has stated that he fear loosing his hearing, well, that would be me. I’m living that fear of his.

The religious abuse, as mentioned above, I believe is also a part of his reflection of the not good enough even though he himself swims in sin.


Can the celebrity counterpart can be attacking us because of their own self hate? Or is it our “not good enough” from Narcissistic parenting and a manifestation of that root thought? We must rise above both of them. We work on our own self love. There may be childhood wounds you didn’t know that still needed healing and nurtured within you, for example the Not Good Enough parenting. You say to yourself, “I thought I was healed from that” but perhaps it’s still there. Like a toothache and you find out you need a root canal, that tiny hole causing so much pain, needs attention. You have to dig deep to reach it and plug it up. To dig deed, other parts need to be removed or cut through. Once you reach it, you have to fill that new digging space. It’s a pain, much pain and we can numb it, just for some damn microscopic hole you can’t see. When you see the x Ray and the dentist shows you, you look at it like, “that tiny ass thing is causing all of this pain??!!!” Apparently, some microscopic hole is still causing us so much pain. And like getting a root canal, once repaired there is the recovery time.

If the person you are identifying as your Twin Flame is behaving in such a narcissistic way, especially in the physical world, please removed yourself. Stop giving them attention. What else can we do? Absolutely NOTHING when it comes to another person. We can only work on ourselves. Also, we can only hope, is that, once this is healed in you, this aspect they are mirroring, will fall away. Love is a Choice. Choose self love for yourself. Please do not stay in a toxic situation even if you are identifying someone as your Twin Flame. There’s no excuse for the abuse.

I have saved this message somewhere and it seems I have lost the full comment now, and where I actually found it, but it give more food for though. Notice they say when they run, not that you are in an actual physical relationship.


I developed my new conclusions with all my brief research on Narcissism and this whole twin flame thing. This is what I came up with: If there really is “the one” wouldn’t Narcissism be a way of proving that? Could it be possible that someone who is Narcissistic is only Narcissistic towards other people because they haven’t connected or met “the one” and is a prisoner of their illusions? Narcissism is just teaching us that twin flames, “the one” is true, especially within physical intimate relationships.

I will say this though, that I do believe that it’s possible for an “unawakened” or “unaware” or possibly even an actual “runner” counterpart to be Narcissistic towards other people who are not the beloved. This I do believe can be true. The most they will do is what my Twin Flame has been doing, being indirect. It’s just them pushing you away. I don’t believe they will actually hurt their own Twin Flame physically. This is why it’s best to stop looking at their social media. I have an article more about this here: HELP! WHAT DO I DO IF MY TWIN FLAME IS A CELEBRITY?

I still hold to the idea that we all have a choice. If you’re truly being abused in this matter, to stay with someone who is like this is not ideal for your own mental and emotional health. My situation has mostly been online with Billy Corgan and we never had a personal intimate relationship. You must separate yourself from them and allow healing to occur. They do say some Narcissistic’s can heal while others don’t. I would love to be optimistic and think someone with Narcissism can heal, especially a Twin Flame counterpart. There are some teachers that say a Twin Flame is NOT a narcissistic. Could this also be a form of Law of Attraction and they end up reflecting that Not Good Enough you learned from childhood from a Narcissist parent and family members? Please do look into this and find that seed if you can’t figure out that reflection. It may be that microscopic hole we can’t see.


I need not to be with his body physically to know that I love William Patrick Corgan. I love my beloved within. He’s the only one I love this intensely and consistently. It’s not a focus on the physical body, but energetically (or the body in my mind) I love him. I can keep away with social media and my love for him from the heart and divine source/God/Allah. That is how we connect. If I never seen him nor hear him sing or watch another interview or read an article ever again, I know this love, will go on and remains ever strong. To be a lover, like the Sufis. My heart longs for you, my beloved.

Separation from the beloved, can in fact feel like death when your thoughts drift to physical separation. We may as well treat physical separation as if the other has actually physically died. I guess this is the best way to describe it. Happy times that live as memories. You love your family and friends who has crossed over in your heart, so too does one love the beloved within, with no physical body. My heart fills itself ever more and forever more without anything from him in the physical world. This love grows in the heart. There are days you can actually feel it and it’s not like you have heart burn or gas. This love is actually different from the family or friends of yours that crossed over. You can feel it in your heart.


I do love the Sufis and we can learn something from them, not just the quotes being posted everywhere from Rumi. They seem to have created an entire faith that can be viewed as a counterpart in physical separation. Dance with our beloved!

The Whirling Dervishes

I guess I do a form of this when I dance on the stage at the clubs. As my beloved has given the best description in his song Solara “I’m nothing but a body, in my mind”. What is also unique to separate a Narcissist from the true beloved for each of us, is feeling all of you chakras, the expansion of the heart, the sensation of the third eye, especially after you both are aware. I did not feel any of that before I became aware but he was indeed that body in my mind for a very long time. That’s also why I stated in the beginning, “you made this 1111111111% worse than what it was!!!” I felt the build up while in the groups and the others probably did too, and they wanted to slam me back down, even unconsciously, like wrestlers body slamming their opponents.


Even if Billy Corgan has been playing online mirror games with me, why am I being singled out? And, for how long is it supposed to last? With everything I have found between us, especially before we were even aware of each other, it only goes to show the mirrors never stop. We’ve been apart for a long time, living our lives and the amount I found between us is amazing! People who play these mirror games with you, can’t compare to Twin Flame Mirrors. Look beyond what they are doing. There’s a reason I stopped my ultimate timeline where I did.

I do believe the many people who seem to be attacking Twin Flames probably don’t believe in divine/source and are more atheists, in that they don’t believe in a higher power because they only view God as a dictator. Their view of source/God is tunnel vision. Twin Flames is also about faith. You believe in “the one” like you believe in God.

I still like to believe that God/Divine Source truly wants us all to be happy. But, even if Billy has indeed been a Narcissist before becoming aware, then I know I must let him go and only love from my heart and allow his healing, in whatever form it takes him. And I must do whatever is left for me to work on. He is here with me, in my heart.

I want union with Him and He wants separation, thus I leave what I want so that His wish comes true. – al-Ghazzali.


The heart loves who it loves and I would not be 100% with anyone else. I know this, because I already lived it for 20 years. I’m not coming into this situation as some naive young girl. I’m a mature woman. I don’t tolerate little boy nonsense in a grown man.

Are Twin Flames narcissistic towards their beloved counterparts? If the person is your true twin, we step away from the physical body and work inwardly. As mentioned previously, I don’t believe true twin flames can even be in an intimate relationship together based on my own experience. Billy Corgan and I just push each other away without even a chance to have an actual relationship and keep our love from a distance. If the one twin flame counterpart is being Narcissistic towards their other counterpart, they might as well just shoot themselves in the foot.

Cassidy has written an article about this. So, here’s another perspective The Twin Flame Narcissistic – Spiritual Issues, Abuse, Myth and Solutions

I still feel something is still lacking for us when it comes to non celebrity and celebrity dynamics. I’m just going to throw out that perhaps manifestation takes a little longer for us. There’s so many components that needs to align and come together. Perhaps we are a part of a larger group that is to work together. Sure, we might know our celebrity counterparts life story and we want union NOW, but they may not be ready for us. Love from a distance.

I have created a new article called HELP! WHAT DO I DO IF MY TWIN FLAME IS A CELEBRITY? It makes no sense to have this dragged out any further once you know for sure they are your Twin Flame and that you’re not some obsessive fan. In my case, I feel as if I may be planting seeds to our collective and making sense of how our dynamic work so I may assist others. As author Neale Donald Walsch has said, life is not about you.


In the end, it’s nothing more but a victim/villain game. Oh I’m the “proud villain” or I’m the “proud victim”. Using the word Narcissistic is basically saying no one can heal when it’s just people who are asleep and unaware of all of our connection and thinking someone is better than another. The entire situation is a doom and gloom mentality. The world is now full of victims!

Billy Corgan makes my heart happy and full of life. It hurts to think otherwise. He’s my home. Billy Corgan is where my heart feels comfortable, content, cozy and nothing but good things.

Minus blood family narcissist, Narcissistic’s are nothing more than pathetic desperate sex addicts who wants to keep adding notches to their bedpost. Stop having sex so early in your relationships and wait for someone who will commit to you. Most of you are also sex addicts that you can’t even commit to a person yourself to be so quick to give up the goods. That’s why you all attract each other so you can all point the finger at each other. “Woah is me I’m a victim.”

I never gave up the goods to Billy Corgan just because he is a man of status and he was my most favorite person in the entire world for a very long time, even though I rarely went and seen him. He lived in my heart for so long. Anyone approaching him now claiming soulmate status with him or online games is in for a rude awakening, because he’s now actually aware and not sleeping like he has been.

Celibacy is where many of you need to go through. I’ve been celibate 5 years since this awakening.


Still think it’s about Narcissism between actual Twin Flames? True Twins share so much more then silly Online Mirror Game. Billy doing the added mirror stuff was unnecessary. Maybe he did play this game with others, but I’ve showed throughout this blog many other features of a Twin Flame connection. Here is some more distinctive qualities:


Besides what I have mentioned so far about twin flame and Narcissist people, Twin Flames are actually telepathic. But telepathy isn’t like what you think it is. It’s not like a word for word conversation. It is said that you can have telepathy with anyone but Twin Flames is a whole different level. We are consistent while other people are inconsistent. I believe telepathy between me and Billy Corgan is shown all over this blog. Both Conscience and Unconscious even before we knew of each other and no social media. I sometimes think he picks up me more though.


Looking into their eyes you can feel the magnetic energy. Ive looked into many people eyes over the years as an exotic dancer in the clubs. There’s nothing like looking into your other self. Once you both are “awakened” to your connection, you’ll feel even greater energy. You’ll feel all of your chakras and you energy field. I did not feel my third eye until at the one show I went to in California . I did no amount of meditation, or any of that. I was just living my life and being myself and it just happened after knowing the truth of us.

I always felt drawn to his eyes over the years while viewing his pictures. It was never really sexual in that way but it just drew me in. It was a knowing that I love him. It was also a knowing that if I gotten married, that would be the man I married. I don’t know why but he was the one my heart chose. Even though I thought it was just some long term “celebrity crush” that never went away, I could not really explain it. When I see a picture of him and he’s with a group of people, my eyes will immediately find him and he’s all I’d see. “Who’s the other person.” “I don’t know. I don’t care. Billy Corgan is there. He’s all that matters.”


As mentioned above, yes your Twin Flame can show up in your dreams. This is not something that happens every single night. Sometimes it’s rare to have dreams of them. If they are showing up as demons, may I suggest your self evaluation of your perception of the person? Is this an outside influence? Did someone plant a negative seed? Your divine counterpart is your divine counterpart. God/Divine source knows who you’re meant to be with.


You don’t need to be with your Twin Flame to feel them. You both mirror each other’s feelings. You may feel this sadness or even when they are happy. This is why Twins are encourage to focus on themselves. Focus on your inner world and your counterpart would do the same.


Synchronicities is another feature that Narcissist can’t control. It’s everywhere in everything. I do get some with my children’s father but it’s nothing compared to your Twin Flame. Again, I tried to show a little bit of all the synchronicities on my blogs. Narcissist can’t control the outside world.


For me and Billy Corgan, in astrology, both of our North and South Nodes are exact opposite of each other. This shows us as polar opposites. but so is the father of my children. Nodes last approximately 1.5 years so they don’t change as often like sun signs. Bill (yes, same first name) was born the same year as Billy Corgan and they share the same nodes but I did not feel that magnet energy with Bill. Bill’s Twin Flame (yes, he has met his in 2017 and I would eventually meet her down the line in 2020) has the same nodes as me as well, since she was born almost one month before me. Like me, he did not feel that pull for me AND his ex wife before me (also born same year in January and has the same Nodes) Even though there are similarities between us all, I only felt that strong intense magnetic energy with Billy Corgan when we are near each other.

I don’t know how true this is across all Twin Flames, or if its significant to degree of intensity or if it has anything to do with our current life. This has yet to be discovered if Nodes play a role in anything other then symbolic for each pairing.

For example, when I looked at Chloe and her Twin Flame, their nodes are not like me and Billy or Bill and Melodie. But I find the elements are flipped but not the signs itself. It’s Fire and Air, Air and Fire. Their signs are not directly opposite. Even if I’m off on Chloe birthday because I’m assuming it’s 1992, when I type in 1993, it’s still the same. What does match is her and Frances Bean Cobain. Same year, same North and South Node.

If you are interested in my research of Astrology with Billy Corgan and a few others, you can find it here: Astrology update January 20 2020


If someone is playing mind games on you or you are suspicious with a romantic relationship intentions and think they are pulling a fast one on you with mirrors etc, dig deeper.


(February 2021)

If any of you are experiencing anything like this, with your Twin Flame, have done all the physical world mirrors, had the awakening of all your chakras, you know all the emotions and energies associated with being a twin flame, see my new article HELP! WHAT DO I DO IF MY TWIN FLAME IS A CELEBRITY?

Thanks for being here.